The Vacuum of Television
This weekend I've been taking it really easy in light of my upcoming trip to the east coast. There's been a strain of the cold going around, and as usual I'm one of the last to catch it. I've always been very thankful for my health and I'd like to attribute the fact that I resist most strains of the flu due to my positive attitude along with a healthy lifestyle. Also, when I do get sick it never really puts me out - I just need to take it easy and allow my body to direct more energy towards the immune system. Usually if it takes somebody, say, four days to fight off the cold it will be gone within 24 hours for me.
Anyways, I've been sitting around for pretty much the whole day watching movies @ home with Crystal, and after a few hours in front of the t.v. I was feeling exhausted. Seems kind of ironic, doesn't it? One would think that resting in a stationary position might invigorate the body, but this happens to me every time I spend a couple hours in front of the t.v... my body feels even more tired than in the beginning and I feel like going to sleep.
But sure enough, as soon as I started to move around I felt a surge of energy coming on. And within 15 minutes of pacing around the house I now have enough energy to get into the shower and actually leave the house for awhile. I've come to the conclusion that shortly after televisions were invented, the government sponsored a top secret initiative to embed super stealth technology into every television manufactured...
First of all, I'm pretty sure that they have embedded a camera into the t.v. to act as a form of surveillance for all homes in the country. These cameras are active even when the television is off (as long as the t.v. remains plugged into the wall they can continue drawing power), and are all equipped with a sensitive microphone to capture all sounds within fifty yards or so of the unit. So those of you who have televisions in every room of the house, congratulations - you are the perfect specimen for government and extra terrestrial study. Oh and I forgot to mention that the aliens also have access to surveying your family since they have had an exclusive (and also secret) contract with the government ever since the Roswell incident in 1947. In exchange for their cooperation, the politicians have been educated on nanotechnology used for outsourcing 82.5% of their staff to human-like robots answering customer service calls in Bombay. Dell and other major corporations have also adopted this technology in light of the great financial savings...
In addition to the above secret technology, I am also convinced that televisions are equipped with some sort of ultra sonic stupidifier which tampers with your natural brainwaves to make you more oblivious and complacent to your surroundings. This explains the mathematical correlation about how the increase in television watching time = the decrease in human intelligence. This also explains why after watching a few hours of movies I am ready to surrender to the ultra-sonic stupidifying frequencies and simply fall asleep on the couch - at which point the government-alien co-op has full access to tapping into my brainwaves and extracting my thoughts much like an ultra-sonic vacuum cleaner.
So now that you know the secret of all televisions in America, the question is... What can you do about it? The good news is that by creating a rudimentary chip disruptor using common household items (2 square yards of aluminum foil, a hair dryer, and peanut butter), you can cause the embedded stealth technology in your t.v. to malfunction and actually reverse its own polarity. And as a result you will be able to watch exactly who has been watching you the whole time...