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I haven't been getting much sleep over the past week. My main business server seems to have been under attack (traced some traffic back to China and Russia), bringing down a major web site of mine every day. As a result I have spent countless hours attempting to diagnose, recover, reboot, and backup my server. It's been causing me to feel anxiety, frustration, anger, and a whole other barrage of emotions.

Now all of my reactions are probably natural, and I imagine that I've handled the situation far better than many would have. I decided that I wouldn't be hard on myself or judge myself for feeling these negative emotions because that would simply add to the problem. Instead, I acknowledged these feelings, asked them what their message to me was, and mentally separated myself from them. What I mean by that is that I recognized that these emotions existed inside of me, but I did not personally identify myself with them (i.e. turn my entire identity into what I was feeling). There is a difference there: I am FEELING angry versus I Am angry.

There is still much work to do and I may be spending countless more hours at the computer over the next few days. I have, however, been able to look back at all this and realize some of the blessings that have come about as a result of the situation...

(1) This experience has given me a chance to further my computer security and server knowledge. I always enjoy learning new things, and I know much more about server administration now than I did just a few days ago.

(2) I will be working on some much needed streamlining and improvement of the server and site which will ultimately help the long term growth and well being of them.

(3) It has given me a chance to better know myself. Often we learn more about ourselves during adversity. I have come to several personal realizations by reflecting on how I handled the situation.

(4) Best of all I can look back and see that I've grown as a person and actually reacted in a much more enlightened way than I would have in the past.

Reflecting on everything that's been going on, I can further see that life is full of various events and experiences, none of which are truly good or bad. What makes a situation in our life good or bad is the mental label or judgement we put on it. That means that every situation is Perceived in a certain way because it is observed through a mental filter (which has been developed by us throughout the course of our lives through learning, observation, etc).

Here's an example:
For me to have my server go down could be considred bad from my perspective. But from the perspective of the hacker, it would be considered a victory. The situation itself carries no judgement. Whether I am considered the victim or not does not change what is beyond my control. And furthermore, I have no way of knowing the perspective of the hacker. There is a whole myriad of elements that are out of my immediate awareness.

Bearing my (extremely) limited perspective in mind, it was a wise decision for me to be aware of just that: I am only conscious of so much at any given moment. It is unfathomable to think of what is taking place in the other person's mind, what they have been through, what their circumstances are, what motivated them, etc. So the best thing that I could do for myself is to work on forgiving the situation and trusting that everything happens for a reason (which we may not be aware of till later on).

This applies to every experience and situation in life. When we are in a state of conflict with others, that conflict is really inside US. We can justify our position by blaming the other person for their actions, by feeling like a victim, etc. But by doing that we stifle our own well being even more. Ultimately, holding resentment and judgements towards others really causes us to suffer more than the other person. This goes along with the old saying 'Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.' It should really go something like 'You judge others as you judge yourself.'

Why this is true is only starting to be discovered by science. If we zoom in on matter far enough we will see that all matter is actually made up of pure light energy. In a very literal sense this means that everyone and everything is made up of the same stuff. So by sending emotions out there based on our unique perspectives we are really sending that energy directly to ourselves. It can therefore be speculated that what we are experiencing right now is an external hologram or reflection of what our minds expect to perceive. By 'minds' I am not refering to our brain, or even what is in our immediate conscious awareness. The Mind I am speaking of can be considered collective - belonging to this entire reality. So trying to fully control everything in our lives is basically impossible.

That is why the best thing I did for myself was to surrender what I wanted to label the situation, and simply focus on my own life energy, asking for a solution.

Saturday, November 3 2007 5:13:28 PM in Life, Philosophy

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